Beauty Care

When I was in my teens and early twenties I used to get dreadful skin outbreaks and suffer from redness on my face. The first few times I tried to remedy this with drugstore products met with profound failure. I (very logically) started out with acne cures, but found that even the higher quality products actually caused my fair skin to dry out, peel, become red, and even break out more. I made the connection after purchasing the third or fourth product and the revelation caused me to change my approach completely. I stopped wearing makeup altogether and then I went to the store and searched for the mildest products I could find. This worked perfectly for me and ever since I've been light on my product use. I believe it's so much healthier and more attractive than wearing loads of makeup and trying repair the skin afterwards with expensive treatments. I'm not frivolous about these things. They have to be practical, but I'm picky and price-constrained so I've spent a lot of time thinking, comparing, and shopping around. It literally took me years to accumulate a list of "beauty" products that I trust and depend on. Here are a few that I feel are worth sharing:

For my face I use Neutrogena's Healthy Skin Anti-Wrinkle night cream. Their day cream has sunscreen in it and I don't like it as much. The night cream has retinol in it, which is actually effective for doing what it claims to do--slow down the development of fine lines, prevent redness, and heal skin. A little goes a looong way--more than a pea-sized amount just makes my skin greasy and I don't think it's healthy to overdo on chemical-heavy products. I like to give my skin a break from this occasionally, so once or twice a week I just use Curel's Skin Nourishing Lotion for Dry, Rough Skin, the one with shea butter and honey. Curel has other lotions, but they aren't mild enough for the face nor do they smell as nice. I use this lotion on my face after the Neutrogena night cream and a few pumps on my neck, chest, hands, calves, and feet. Other face cream runners up include The Body Shop's Wise Woman collection (all-natural and not tested on animals) and BeFine's night cream. The latter product is sadly extremely hard to find, otherwise I'd probably use that instead of Neutrogena.

Since Curel's Skin Nourishing lotion is becoming hard to find lately too, I'm sometimes forced to turn to other lotion products. Their Ultra Healing lotion is okay for hands, feet, and body, but it's too heavy and greasy for the face. When I can afford it, I get body butters from The Body Shop. They're way to rich for summer use, but great during the winter, where the radiator heat seems to suck all the moisture from my skin.

I wash my hair with John Frieda's Brilliant Brunette line. I've been in love ever since the first tube I bought as a destitute undergrad six years ago. A little goes a long way and it never fails to bring out the shine in my long, dark hair. However, I have noticed that it seems to go bad after several months. Maybe the heat in the shower breaks down some of the chemicals. Sometimes I mix it up a little with their root stimulating line or the clarifying shampoo from Nexus.

I'm not a big fan of coloring, cutting, straightening, or fussing in any way with my hair. I wear it long, natural color, and untreated with the exception of a couple of pumps of Macadamia Straightening Balm from The Body Shop. This stuff is amazing. It has a sweet, nutty smell that isn't overt or overpowering, but the men who've buried their faces in my hair had good things to say. It helps smooth and straighten my hair even if I don't dry it after washing. When I do use a hair dryer it gives a nice polished, but still natural look to my hair. Love, love this product. However, it is a bit greasy, so it's important not to overuse it and I have to wash my hair every day.

In the shower I tend to wash my body with a bit of soap and that's it. Good body washes are hard to find and even expensive soap is cheap in comparison. Soap does the job and I spend my money elsewhere. However, for my face L'Oreal's Skin Genesis Pore Minimizing Gel Cleanser is the mildest product I could find that still effectively removes dirt and makeup without causing extreme pain if I get a bit in my eyes. I've tried a range of other products that either peel my skin off or don't remove makeup well. Sometimes I alternate with the cream cleanser from The Body Shop's Wise Woman line, which is mild too, but not very effective for removing eye makeup.

Speaking of makeup though, I barely wear any these days. No one's trying to impress at my workplace, so I usually go without. I occasionally use Neutrogena's Mineral Sheers Liquid Makeup for foundation, but I'm not entirely satisfied with this product. I am sure I'll eventually find something better. Lately when I go out in the evening I usually wear Revlon's Beyond Natural Smoothing Primer, Physician's Formula silver and black eye shadow, and a bit of mascara. Finish off with a touch of lip balm. That's it. I may not be smoldering or pulling off the Japanese color-craze stuff, but my skin is soft and smooth and clean.

I'll delve into fragrances another time!

Once a month

Men not interested in the sordid matters of the female body should avert their eyes.

I am not feeling well today. I tripped out of bed at a relatively reasonable hour of the morning (for Saturday) feeling relatively cheerful, but within a few hours the cheer was dampened by a familiar feeling of discomfort below the belt. 10 hours and 4 cups of raspberry and rose hip tea later, not much has changed except for the fact that the low-grade headache I felt coming on yesterday seems to have returned. Heh. I have spent the past five hours in bed sipping the tea with an old tonic water bottle filled with the hottest water I could get from the tap firmly pressed against the area between my navel and the line of hair below it.

These times have always been painful for me to some degree. I can remember a couple of years, especially in my mid teens and early twenties, when each month I was nearly incapacitated for the first day or two by the pain. Over the years it's gotten a bit better and I can even remember a couple of times when there was no pain at all. But it's an old familiar feeling that is oddly comforting too. Surprisingly enough, tea normally helps a lot. Sometimes all it takes is a couple of sips and I feel as right as rain again. I don't know why it's not working today :(

I am feeling blue today. It's Valentine's day and as always, I am quietly single. I don't ever remember feeling sad about this before. I've never really cared about it being Valentine's day before. But now I walked home from the train station and I saw all these men old and young at the fruit stores and the 99 cent stores buying flowers and trinkets for some woman they have in their lives. And I'm thinking, I am not that woman to anyone.

Today there are articles galore out there reproving all of us girls who are crying a little on the inside simply because it is Valentine's day. I understand that what I am feeling may seem silly or pathetic and certainly fruitless, but I can't necessarily deny the fact that this day reminds me of that One who didn't love me back and the fact that I am growing older and want a family and haven't found or been found by anyone who shares that want. There's a deeper, more existential desire here than a craving for chocolate and no amount of flip fix-it advice can address it.

Alone Again

Image from: http://www.flickr.com/photos/31326347@N04/

There were no games, just silence. I've given up and am trying to move on. It seems I let my guard down too soon. This is the first time I've felt sad about not having anyone to do something for Valentine's Day with. ::sniff:: I think I'll plan a small outing for my sister and I and a few single girlfriends to make myself feel better. Cupcakes in the city maybe?

Uncertainty

I've been seeing someone for the past few weeks. His name is A and I met him online on Okcupid. He picked me out somehow, messaged me patiently starting with questions about my work and with very mild encouragement on my part asked me for a date. I liked him from the beginning. Not as talkative as most of my past, but not awkwardly quiet either. We went on a second date and I ended up back at his place making out passionately and perhaps just a bit more than strictly making out. During that second date a few D/s hints both physical and verbal began to surface. I'm terribly shy about openly discussing these things, but I was so happy. And attracted. Somehow, without combing the daunting ranks of Fetlife I'd managed to stumble across someone who seemed reasonably normal and who was close to my age and who took the initiative a bit. That was then.

Now that we've been on six or seven dates, suddenly the chemistry has dried up and we are amicably hanging out. Or pretending to amicably hang out. I have no idea what he's up to, but I'm picking up on something and it's making me unhappy. I want the physicality of our first few dates back and the fact that he doesn't seem to...it's a warning sign I cannot ignore. There's something else at play here and I need to figure out what. Is he seeing someone else? My instincts point that way, but I don't really want to think about it. I hate that game. I really, really hate it. It's the one thing I will not tolerate.

Of course, there could be other things going on here too. Perhaps I'm just that bad and not desirable enough for relationship material. Maybe I let things move along too quickly and should instead have been more aloof. Maybe I was too reluctant about other things. The point is, something is off already and that makes me sad. I'll admit that I wanted more with him. A lot more. And now all I can do is play the disappearing act and see if that will draw him out. ::sigh:: Starting with the silent treatment, let the games begin...

The Pressing Darkness

I am sure there is someone or some few out there who understand the need for melodrama such as this title. This pressing feeling of loneliness and hopelessness returns time and again. I used to push against my dependency on others so much that I think I drove people away. Now that I've realized that I need people and I want them, I sometimes feel like there is no one there to depend on at all. Oh, I'm not saying that no one in the wide world would listen to me if I needed to unload a bit, just that it seems that there is no one I can confide in without just burdening them with my "drama" as my sister calls it, taking up their time, tiring them with my useless problems and petty misfortunes.

I am so upset that my sister doesn't care to listen to me anymore. Now I wonder if she ever did. Who do I turn to now? I am a weak, weak person and crave caring and affirmation so much.

I never ended up connecting with anyone off that bondage.com site. I emailed some people back, but mostly just to politely tell them to keep looking. I've become a bit wiser about people and about how connecting over the internet works. It has to be a dedicated, dual effort or it will never flourish. It would help a lot if decent people would contact me. I don't understand people who want to plunge into the sexual without attempting to reach towards the personal first. I've tried a couple of other sites. Little luck around here.

It's been a long, hard year. I am ready for it to be over.

Contact

So I've been thinking a lot about contact with real people in the lifestyle. Realistically, if I want to explore it, seems best to do it now, while I'm young and unattached, rather than leaving it alone as this thing I think about in the dark and finally get back to when I'm middle-aged and feeling adventurous. I've constructed a profile on Bondage.com. I already have to emails in my inbox. One of them looks a bit scary O.O But the other is from what looks like solid Mid-Westerner. We shall see what comes of this.