I am having a major crush on someone I know at work. Bad, bad Pearlesque! I am being very good about it and not letting on at all, but the fantasies still won't stop.

I am reminding myself that I should be realistic about whether he even finds me attractive (I think it's possible that he does because he complements what I wear). I am reminding myself that dating coworkers is generally a bad idea and that the gossip mills revolves on a raging torrent at my particular workplace. I am also reminding myself that I want to settle down and I should be on the lookout for someone steady and committed.

He's one of the "cool" people at work. He DJs, smokes pot (urgh, not a fan of that), drinks and goes out a fair bit, and seems much younger than his 30-something odd years. Everyone at work knows him or has heard of him. And then there's me, the plain, quiet, soft-spoken, hardworking girl that a few people in my immediate circle know.

Fortunately, as aforementioned, I don't think he realizes what goes through my mind when I see him. It might have been worse if I'd allowed myself to eat lunch with his group before. I first saw him the day I interviewed (a year and a half ago!) and knew immediately that he'd be trouble. I used to be unable to articulate coherent sentences in his presence. He made it worse for a while when he teased me a few times. I'm a bit sensitive about teasing. But oddly enough, that helped me get over the crush for a little while because I figured he was a bit of an asshole. Then...I started lunching with an immediate coworker and her circle, which included him. Downhill from there. I started to realize that he's actually a super nice guy and seems to have more depth and maturity than I gave him credit for. Now I like him. And that initial attraction never went away either.

I am sarely tempted to invite him to my upcoming birthday party. I'm also afraid that he won't come, or that not many of my friends will show up or that it will be strange and awkward. ::sigh::

You may have noticed the relative quiet of this blog. ::sigh:: Yours truly is not a very reliable blogger. I was going to try and be more reliable given all those good intentions mentioned previously, but that didn't happen. I am going to try and take stock of things and see what I can do to move forward. I have, after all, improved in some areas and in all likelihood there isn't anyone actually following this blog and no one has set any high expectations for me other than myself. See? That's what makes it so hard. Nothing to live up to. No one's disappointment at my low performance. Just the feeble superego nudging at the large, fat id to get up off'n the ass and accomplish some things.

On a happier note, Sister cleaned the common areas of the apartment today. Wonder of wonders! We have been living here for two and a half months and during that length of time she exerted herself to clean the kitchen twice, but never the bathroom or the hall. Not even once. Nor could she be troubled to transport one small bag of trash from the kitchen out the door around the main hall corner and toss it into the trash chute. Also, I was arriving home 6:30 or later to face a stack of dirty dishes, pots, and silverware which I had to clean in order to make dinner! Needless to say, this state of affairs was becoming a strain on the general relationship. I cleaned scrupulously for the first few weeks, then realized that no help was forthcoming and gave up in disgust to wait until it got so bad that she'd clean. Nothing happened and in disgust over the state of the place, I cleaned again, but after a couple more weeks I gave her a three-sentence lecture about how she needed to started helping out. And now, finally, it happened. I'm actually really proud of myself for not getting all worked up about it when I was around her. True, there was that one evening when I came home to a filthy bathroom and no toilet paper or even tissues left and stomped out the door to get more in high dudgeon. I probably tried to slam a few doors and I refused to speak more than a monosyllable to her, but I never claimed to be a saint... And I think that was when I gave her the lil reproof that helped set in motion an equitable division of household chores. Such a relief.

Speaking of cleaning, my room is in a dreadful state. Ai! I really need to do something about it. And I also need to think up a dish to take to this potluck I'm attending tomorrow. Wish I enjoyed cooking and/or had a good recipe for an easy dish.

Sometimes I feel too full. Too full of emotions, too full of thoughts and imaginings, too full of life and lust and anger and silence and disquiet and anguish and understanding. My cup runs over and I wish I could share it all with someone. Any someone. Not necessarily a lover. A mentor or a friend or some kindred soul who understands. I've come to realize that a great part of my life has been devoted to a search for mentors, for role models and worthy authority. I want, need people in my life to strive for excellence and believe profoundly in what they do. Without establishing some sort of connection with such people I become lost. I feel like I am adrift in a wasteland where there is no up or down, no right or wrong, and no meaning. I become confused about even my own most deeply-held beliefs and start flailing around, trying out different things without considering their implications in the social context. I've hurt myself this way several times, quite badly, unfortunately. But I think now with at least a year's perspective on all that, I've at least managed to use these experiences to understand myself better and hopefully I can start to grow again.

I am so exhausted. Long weekend and then only 5 1/2 hours of sleep last night has did me in. No dark musings or self-help psychology tonight. Crashed on my bed with a vitamin water and the TV remote. Then sleep.

Self-improvement

After two late nights in a row (meaning I was out dancing and/or drinking until 3-4am), I went to brunch this morning feeling less than chipper. In attempt to counteract my fatigue, I drank two cups of strong coffee with my eggs florentine. The coffee didn't help at all. I parted ways from my friends feeling like I was still a limp and quieter-than-usual version of myself. However, unfortunately the caffeine kicked in anyway and now I feel so awake I don't think I will fall asleep for at least another hour. This means waking up for work groggy and underslept and barely stumbling out the door soon enough to catch the train and then facing the Monday work pile.

All around me is sleep and homey quietude. Sister eschewed helping clean house and washing the mountain of dishes she used today in favor of an early night. The Babe is full of yummy dog food I just bought for him and curled up in his newly cozied up bed contented and fast asleep. But yours truly is wide awake and for lack of better inspiration, typing away.

Renewal

Recently I've been thinking over the reasons why I have this blog. I mostly use it to keep track of other blogs that I follow and have not been doing much writing here. What is this blog, really? It's about my life, but I meant it to be about exploring my s with regard to D/s. This is a little difficult to do when I have no D in my life. I have also been thinking about the general direction of of the way I live, like the things I am happy about, the things I am unhappy about, and the things I want to change.

Since moving back to New York I have achieved a few really important things in life and I am very happy about them. Despite the terrible economy, I have a stable job with an income that allows me to actually live decently in a very expensive city. I don't have a lot of money, but it's enough to live on and still save a tiny bit for retirement and things I need and want. I won't stay there forever, in fact, I plan on leaving within the next year and because I work at a really prestigious institution in my field, this job is undoubtedly going to help me get something even better when I do move on. And on top of all that, it even has set hours so I can do things after work and on weekends without having to worry about work all the time. Beyond work, I have managed to find an apartment that allows me to keep The Babe, is in a safe, comfortable, homey neighborhood, and feels "right," unlike the place where I used to live. Finally, I have a small group of really wonderful friends and have been developing friendships with some really great people at work.

It's wonderful, considering where I started out from, but I think the success I've created has also made me see other things about myself that I want to fix. These things didn't seem to matter as much when I was scrabbling around trying to survive at work while living in a horrible little basement of a house with people I didn't like. Now it's time for me to work on other aspects of my life.

I have decided that I can use this blog to help me improve myself and achieve these new personal goals. I am not in any kind of romantic relationship right now, least of all a D/s one. Since there is no outer D in my life right now, I am going to have to create it myself by imposing rules on myself. They are going to mostly be lifestyle goals, not sexual ones. Disappointing, I know, but for now my little substitution of my "higher" goal-oriented, active self is going to have to stand in for the more interesting and attractive option of a relationship with a dominant man. I will begin to set out my goals in my next post. Right now I need to start acting on them. Writing is great, but there is no substitute for action. I hope writing them down here will help me stay on track, because I don't have a lot of willpower and tend to fail at following through. Wish me luck.

Beauty Care

When I was in my teens and early twenties I used to get dreadful skin outbreaks and suffer from redness on my face. The first few times I tried to remedy this with drugstore products met with profound failure. I (very logically) started out with acne cures, but found that even the higher quality products actually caused my fair skin to dry out, peel, become red, and even break out more. I made the connection after purchasing the third or fourth product and the revelation caused me to change my approach completely. I stopped wearing makeup altogether and then I went to the store and searched for the mildest products I could find. This worked perfectly for me and ever since I've been light on my product use. I believe it's so much healthier and more attractive than wearing loads of makeup and trying repair the skin afterwards with expensive treatments. I'm not frivolous about these things. They have to be practical, but I'm picky and price-constrained so I've spent a lot of time thinking, comparing, and shopping around. It literally took me years to accumulate a list of "beauty" products that I trust and depend on. Here are a few that I feel are worth sharing:

For my face I use Neutrogena's Healthy Skin Anti-Wrinkle night cream. Their day cream has sunscreen in it and I don't like it as much. The night cream has retinol in it, which is actually effective for doing what it claims to do--slow down the development of fine lines, prevent redness, and heal skin. A little goes a looong way--more than a pea-sized amount just makes my skin greasy and I don't think it's healthy to overdo on chemical-heavy products. I like to give my skin a break from this occasionally, so once or twice a week I just use Curel's Skin Nourishing Lotion for Dry, Rough Skin, the one with shea butter and honey. Curel has other lotions, but they aren't mild enough for the face nor do they smell as nice. I use this lotion on my face after the Neutrogena night cream and a few pumps on my neck, chest, hands, calves, and feet. Other face cream runners up include The Body Shop's Wise Woman collection (all-natural and not tested on animals) and BeFine's night cream. The latter product is sadly extremely hard to find, otherwise I'd probably use that instead of Neutrogena.

Since Curel's Skin Nourishing lotion is becoming hard to find lately too, I'm sometimes forced to turn to other lotion products. Their Ultra Healing lotion is okay for hands, feet, and body, but it's too heavy and greasy for the face. When I can afford it, I get body butters from The Body Shop. They're way to rich for summer use, but great during the winter, where the radiator heat seems to suck all the moisture from my skin.

I wash my hair with John Frieda's Brilliant Brunette line. I've been in love ever since the first tube I bought as a destitute undergrad six years ago. A little goes a long way and it never fails to bring out the shine in my long, dark hair. However, I have noticed that it seems to go bad after several months. Maybe the heat in the shower breaks down some of the chemicals. Sometimes I mix it up a little with their root stimulating line or the clarifying shampoo from Nexus.

I'm not a big fan of coloring, cutting, straightening, or fussing in any way with my hair. I wear it long, natural color, and untreated with the exception of a couple of pumps of Macadamia Straightening Balm from The Body Shop. This stuff is amazing. It has a sweet, nutty smell that isn't overt or overpowering, but the men who've buried their faces in my hair had good things to say. It helps smooth and straighten my hair even if I don't dry it after washing. When I do use a hair dryer it gives a nice polished, but still natural look to my hair. Love, love this product. However, it is a bit greasy, so it's important not to overuse it and I have to wash my hair every day.

In the shower I tend to wash my body with a bit of soap and that's it. Good body washes are hard to find and even expensive soap is cheap in comparison. Soap does the job and I spend my money elsewhere. However, for my face L'Oreal's Skin Genesis Pore Minimizing Gel Cleanser is the mildest product I could find that still effectively removes dirt and makeup without causing extreme pain if I get a bit in my eyes. I've tried a range of other products that either peel my skin off or don't remove makeup well. Sometimes I alternate with the cream cleanser from The Body Shop's Wise Woman line, which is mild too, but not very effective for removing eye makeup.

Speaking of makeup though, I barely wear any these days. No one's trying to impress at my workplace, so I usually go without. I occasionally use Neutrogena's Mineral Sheers Liquid Makeup for foundation, but I'm not entirely satisfied with this product. I am sure I'll eventually find something better. Lately when I go out in the evening I usually wear Revlon's Beyond Natural Smoothing Primer, Physician's Formula silver and black eye shadow, and a bit of mascara. Finish off with a touch of lip balm. That's it. I may not be smoldering or pulling off the Japanese color-craze stuff, but my skin is soft and smooth and clean.

I'll delve into fragrances another time!

Once a month

Men not interested in the sordid matters of the female body should avert their eyes.

I am not feeling well today. I tripped out of bed at a relatively reasonable hour of the morning (for Saturday) feeling relatively cheerful, but within a few hours the cheer was dampened by a familiar feeling of discomfort below the belt. 10 hours and 4 cups of raspberry and rose hip tea later, not much has changed except for the fact that the low-grade headache I felt coming on yesterday seems to have returned. Heh. I have spent the past five hours in bed sipping the tea with an old tonic water bottle filled with the hottest water I could get from the tap firmly pressed against the area between my navel and the line of hair below it.

These times have always been painful for me to some degree. I can remember a couple of years, especially in my mid teens and early twenties, when each month I was nearly incapacitated for the first day or two by the pain. Over the years it's gotten a bit better and I can even remember a couple of times when there was no pain at all. But it's an old familiar feeling that is oddly comforting too. Surprisingly enough, tea normally helps a lot. Sometimes all it takes is a couple of sips and I feel as right as rain again. I don't know why it's not working today :(

I am feeling blue today. It's Valentine's day and as always, I am quietly single. I don't ever remember feeling sad about this before. I've never really cared about it being Valentine's day before. But now I walked home from the train station and I saw all these men old and young at the fruit stores and the 99 cent stores buying flowers and trinkets for some woman they have in their lives. And I'm thinking, I am not that woman to anyone.

Today there are articles galore out there reproving all of us girls who are crying a little on the inside simply because it is Valentine's day. I understand that what I am feeling may seem silly or pathetic and certainly fruitless, but I can't necessarily deny the fact that this day reminds me of that One who didn't love me back and the fact that I am growing older and want a family and haven't found or been found by anyone who shares that want. There's a deeper, more existential desire here than a craving for chocolate and no amount of flip fix-it advice can address it.

Alone Again

Image from: http://www.flickr.com/photos/31326347@N04/

There were no games, just silence. I've given up and am trying to move on. It seems I let my guard down too soon. This is the first time I've felt sad about not having anyone to do something for Valentine's Day with. ::sniff:: I think I'll plan a small outing for my sister and I and a few single girlfriends to make myself feel better. Cupcakes in the city maybe?

Uncertainty

I've been seeing someone for the past few weeks. His name is A and I met him online on Okcupid. He picked me out somehow, messaged me patiently starting with questions about my work and with very mild encouragement on my part asked me for a date. I liked him from the beginning. Not as talkative as most of my past, but not awkwardly quiet either. We went on a second date and I ended up back at his place making out passionately and perhaps just a bit more than strictly making out. During that second date a few D/s hints both physical and verbal began to surface. I'm terribly shy about openly discussing these things, but I was so happy. And attracted. Somehow, without combing the daunting ranks of Fetlife I'd managed to stumble across someone who seemed reasonably normal and who was close to my age and who took the initiative a bit. That was then.

Now that we've been on six or seven dates, suddenly the chemistry has dried up and we are amicably hanging out. Or pretending to amicably hang out. I have no idea what he's up to, but I'm picking up on something and it's making me unhappy. I want the physicality of our first few dates back and the fact that he doesn't seem to...it's a warning sign I cannot ignore. There's something else at play here and I need to figure out what. Is he seeing someone else? My instincts point that way, but I don't really want to think about it. I hate that game. I really, really hate it. It's the one thing I will not tolerate.

Of course, there could be other things going on here too. Perhaps I'm just that bad and not desirable enough for relationship material. Maybe I let things move along too quickly and should instead have been more aloof. Maybe I was too reluctant about other things. The point is, something is off already and that makes me sad. I'll admit that I wanted more with him. A lot more. And now all I can do is play the disappearing act and see if that will draw him out. ::sigh:: Starting with the silent treatment, let the games begin...