Lately, my dark thoughts are centered a lot around my personal life, particularly what I am looking for in a relationship. I want a relationship and the intimacy and connection that comes with it. But I hate the part where you have to go looking and searching for the other person. I am a woman and not a very bold and assertive one. I really want to be with a man who is a real man. My brief stints in the world of romantic relationships have suggested to me that I don't deal well with dependent types. But I suspect it goes deeper than that. I suspect I want the opposite: dominance. I've been tentatively poking around researching bdsm. I believe that I have the tendencies that go with submission. What I've read so far matches up with those fantasies I've been having since who knows when...since before I was anywhere old enough to understand them.
Of course now I have to think about and deal with what all of this means to me. I am 25 years old. I should probably start getting a lot more experience before I skip to fringe practices and what appears to veer towards...cultish...? I don't like online dating and I feel a bit jaded about ever finding the kind of connection that I was once so sure I'd find. The problem is that I am not a venturesome person when it comes to these things. I honestly don't if I even want to rack up a collection of experiences. I just want to find one person and cherish and build one relationship.
So that's what's on my chest these days.
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