I am feeling blue today. It's Valentine's day and as always, I am quietly single. I don't ever remember feeling sad about this before. I've never really cared about it being Valentine's day before. But now I walked home from the train station and I saw all these men old and young at the fruit stores and the 99 cent stores buying flowers and trinkets for some woman they have in their lives. And I'm thinking, I am not that woman to anyone.

Today there are articles galore out there reproving all of us girls who are crying a little on the inside simply because it is Valentine's day. I understand that what I am feeling may seem silly or pathetic and certainly fruitless, but I can't necessarily deny the fact that this day reminds me of that One who didn't love me back and the fact that I am growing older and want a family and haven't found or been found by anyone who shares that want. There's a deeper, more existential desire here than a craving for chocolate and no amount of flip fix-it advice can address it.

Alone Again

Image from: http://www.flickr.com/photos/31326347@N04/

There were no games, just silence. I've given up and am trying to move on. It seems I let my guard down too soon. This is the first time I've felt sad about not having anyone to do something for Valentine's Day with. ::sniff:: I think I'll plan a small outing for my sister and I and a few single girlfriends to make myself feel better. Cupcakes in the city maybe?

Uncertainty

I've been seeing someone for the past few weeks. His name is A and I met him online on Okcupid. He picked me out somehow, messaged me patiently starting with questions about my work and with very mild encouragement on my part asked me for a date. I liked him from the beginning. Not as talkative as most of my past, but not awkwardly quiet either. We went on a second date and I ended up back at his place making out passionately and perhaps just a bit more than strictly making out. During that second date a few D/s hints both physical and verbal began to surface. I'm terribly shy about openly discussing these things, but I was so happy. And attracted. Somehow, without combing the daunting ranks of Fetlife I'd managed to stumble across someone who seemed reasonably normal and who was close to my age and who took the initiative a bit. That was then.

Now that we've been on six or seven dates, suddenly the chemistry has dried up and we are amicably hanging out. Or pretending to amicably hang out. I have no idea what he's up to, but I'm picking up on something and it's making me unhappy. I want the physicality of our first few dates back and the fact that he doesn't seem to...it's a warning sign I cannot ignore. There's something else at play here and I need to figure out what. Is he seeing someone else? My instincts point that way, but I don't really want to think about it. I hate that game. I really, really hate it. It's the one thing I will not tolerate.

Of course, there could be other things going on here too. Perhaps I'm just that bad and not desirable enough for relationship material. Maybe I let things move along too quickly and should instead have been more aloof. Maybe I was too reluctant about other things. The point is, something is off already and that makes me sad. I'll admit that I wanted more with him. A lot more. And now all I can do is play the disappearing act and see if that will draw him out. ::sigh:: Starting with the silent treatment, let the games begin...

The Pressing Darkness

I am sure there is someone or some few out there who understand the need for melodrama such as this title. This pressing feeling of loneliness and hopelessness returns time and again. I used to push against my dependency on others so much that I think I drove people away. Now that I've realized that I need people and I want them, I sometimes feel like there is no one there to depend on at all. Oh, I'm not saying that no one in the wide world would listen to me if I needed to unload a bit, just that it seems that there is no one I can confide in without just burdening them with my "drama" as my sister calls it, taking up their time, tiring them with my useless problems and petty misfortunes.

I am so upset that my sister doesn't care to listen to me anymore. Now I wonder if she ever did. Who do I turn to now? I am a weak, weak person and crave caring and affirmation so much.

I never ended up connecting with anyone off that bondage.com site. I emailed some people back, but mostly just to politely tell them to keep looking. I've become a bit wiser about people and about how connecting over the internet works. It has to be a dedicated, dual effort or it will never flourish. It would help a lot if decent people would contact me. I don't understand people who want to plunge into the sexual without attempting to reach towards the personal first. I've tried a couple of other sites. Little luck around here.

It's been a long, hard year. I am ready for it to be over.

Contact

So I've been thinking a lot about contact with real people in the lifestyle. Realistically, if I want to explore it, seems best to do it now, while I'm young and unattached, rather than leaving it alone as this thing I think about in the dark and finally get back to when I'm middle-aged and feeling adventurous. I've constructed a profile on Bondage.com. I already have to emails in my inbox. One of them looks a bit scary O.O But the other is from what looks like solid Mid-Westerner. We shall see what comes of this.

Good Philosophy

The other day while out in the city I stumbled into a rare book store somewhere mid-town east. I was thrilled to find a beautiful hardcover copy of The Logic of Liberty by my favorite philosopher, Michael Polanyi. The jacket is near-perfect and a smooth, appealing dull yellow and the book itself is a nice cloth-bound navy. I still need to take it back, along with another book by a contemporary Christian theologian of his, to be wrapped to protect the cover from crumbling. As I walked out of the store clutching my treasure, I recognized in myself the first greedy pangs of a collector. It is now a goal of mine to acquire all of Polanyi's books in the best condition possible. This shouldn't be too difficult, since he was not prolific in his non-science writing. I am also determined to study all of his work and to immerse myself in his philosophy. There is truth in it. His work gives me hope. Another post forthcoming when I read the first lecture.

The Fishbowl

I feel so restless. I live in a city. I should be doing something or going somewhere. But instead I'm sitting in front of the computer poking around, checking the same pages. I feel like walking the streets. Just walking in downtown Manhattan. I wish I lived there. My neighborhood is safer and of course I can't just move to Manhattan with the rents so high and my job already so far away. But I don't love it here. I hate my life being so safe and uneventful. What can I do to be dangerous?

Right now I am just going to walk my dog here in my own neighborhood. At least I will be moving. It won't really satisfy me. Even walking downtown wouldn't do that. I'll feel more restless than ever. But it's something to do.