Good Philosophy

The other day while out in the city I stumbled into a rare book store somewhere mid-town east. I was thrilled to find a beautiful hardcover copy of The Logic of Liberty by my favorite philosopher, Michael Polanyi. The jacket is near-perfect and a smooth, appealing dull yellow and the book itself is a nice cloth-bound navy. I still need to take it back, along with another book by a contemporary Christian theologian of his, to be wrapped to protect the cover from crumbling. As I walked out of the store clutching my treasure, I recognized in myself the first greedy pangs of a collector. It is now a goal of mine to acquire all of Polanyi's books in the best condition possible. This shouldn't be too difficult, since he was not prolific in his non-science writing. I am also determined to study all of his work and to immerse myself in his philosophy. There is truth in it. His work gives me hope. Another post forthcoming when I read the first lecture.

The Fishbowl

I feel so restless. I live in a city. I should be doing something or going somewhere. But instead I'm sitting in front of the computer poking around, checking the same pages. I feel like walking the streets. Just walking in downtown Manhattan. I wish I lived there. My neighborhood is safer and of course I can't just move to Manhattan with the rents so high and my job already so far away. But I don't love it here. I hate my life being so safe and uneventful. What can I do to be dangerous?

Right now I am just going to walk my dog here in my own neighborhood. At least I will be moving. It won't really satisfy me. Even walking downtown wouldn't do that. I'll feel more restless than ever. But it's something to do.

Dark Thoughts

I am ultimately a dark and complicated person. I suspect that much of the time I complicate things on purpose, because the idea of a simple existence without trappings frightens me. I want meaning.

Lately, my dark thoughts are centered a lot around my personal life, particularly what I am looking for in a relationship. I want a relationship and the intimacy and connection that comes with it. But I hate the part where you have to go looking and searching for the other person. I am a woman and not a very bold and assertive one. I really want to be with a man who is a real man. My brief stints in the world of romantic relationships have suggested to me that I don't deal well with dependent types. But I suspect it goes deeper than that. I suspect I want the opposite: dominance. I've been tentatively poking around researching bdsm. I believe that I have the tendencies that go with submission. What I've read so far matches up with those fantasies I've been having since who knows when...since before I was anywhere old enough to understand them.

Of course now I have to think about and deal with what all of this means to me. I am 25 years old. I should probably start getting a lot more experience before I skip to fringe practices and what appears to veer towards...cultish...? I don't like online dating and I feel a bit jaded about ever finding the kind of connection that I was once so sure I'd find. The problem is that I am not a venturesome person when it comes to these things. I honestly don't if I even want to rack up a collection of experiences. I just want to find one person and cherish and build one relationship.

So that's what's on my chest these days.

Ocean Soul

I adore this song. All the hazy allusions to troubled spirit, the dark, dreamy mood... It is my song for the thoughts that I will try to convey here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VYu2EnCG2Ww

Intro

I want to express the thoughts and fears that I am experiencing as a young woman trying to establish herself in New York City. I am tired of my life the way it is. I feel like there is an invisible box preventing me from being a strong, expressive, active person. I am afraid of this box. What if it is an indelible part of me? A little success (miniscule in the grand scheme of things, yet large in my own life) has showed me just how difficult it is to actually live happily with one's self. It's so easy to create complication in life and stay busy to avoid the troublesome task of creating a life worth living. Could writing in here help me think all these things through clearly and break out of my box? There is always a chance, right?