Sometimes I feel too full. Too full of emotions, too full of thoughts and imaginings, too full of life and lust and anger and silence and disquiet and anguish and understanding. My cup runs over and I wish I could share it all with someone. Any someone. Not necessarily a lover. A mentor or a friend or some kindred soul who understands. I've come to realize that a great part of my life has been devoted to a search for mentors, for role models and worthy authority. I want, need people in my life to strive for excellence and believe profoundly in what they do. Without establishing some sort of connection with such people I become lost. I feel like I am adrift in a wasteland where there is no up or down, no right or wrong, and no meaning. I become confused about even my own most deeply-held beliefs and start flailing around, trying out different things without considering their implications in the social context. I've hurt myself this way several times, quite badly, unfortunately. But I think now with at least a year's perspective on all that, I've at least managed to use these experiences to understand myself better and hopefully I can start to grow again.